How to be a man.

How to be a man.

What are my qualifications, you ask? Well, I have a cock, and just as important, I have balls (corporeally and sometimes even metaphorically speaking). I have been in multiple fistfights, both drawing and losing blood. I studied Kung Fu for six months. I used to park mother fucking satellites for the United States Air Force, the most powerful Air Force in the known universe. I have read, and been moved by, Russian literature. I have owned and fired guns. I have ridden in helicopters, and survived (sorry Stevie Ray). I saw my first (and only) murder at the age of 5 in San Pedro, Ca. Do I really need to go on? I mean, if you’re reading this, heart full of hope that daddy won’t shake his head in disgust every time he looks at your skinny (or fat) ass, then you really have no room to scoff, huh bitch?

Step 1: Shut the fuck up. Seriously, talking is for women, who for their part have a blog called “how to be a woman”, and step one is “talk all the time, about everything”. Avoid talking as much as possible, especially to your girlfriend/wife/boyfriend/whatever, because this almost always leads to trouble. Silence gives the illusion of profundity, or at least badass-motherfuckerness which are two things a real man has cultivated in spades. Some people think people who don’t talk are shy, but I say fuck that shit. People who don’t talk are doing everyone else a favor, AND, are being good role models.
But, let’s not get crazy, there are times when a man should and must speak, and here they are:
When telling someone what to do. Examples- “get out of the way”, “take off your clothes”, “cut the red one”, “after loading the clip, pull back the carrier bolt until you hear a distinct click…”, or “I don’t want to talk about that.”
When acknowledging that they have been instructed to do something, either showing they comprehend, or need further instruction.
When righting an injustice.
When answering questions, preferably with a yes or no.
When complimenting a lady (or man. More in a moment).
When demanding satisfaction after being insulted.

Step 2: Smile as little as possible. Keeping in mind that scowling might not be the best substitute for smiling. You have to look like you’re thinking about something important, something difficult, like a science problem, or the deep-rooted problems of society. Why would anyone take you serious if you were smiling? And conversely, who would want to be around sir scowls-a-lot? Fuck that guy.

Step 3: Be decisive. All that time your spending shutting the fuck up and not smiling can be spent thinking about what you would do in various probable situations, like jumping from a moving car, going for the gun being pointed at you or someone you care about, or sizing up that point where violent conflict is unavoidable. When the moment comes to make a decision, it may never come again. Also, I love the line from Ronin where Robert DeNiro says, “if there’s a doubt, then there’s no doubt”. That’s a spring-loaded answer if ever there was one.

Step 4: Have convictions. They don’t have to be right, but you better fucking have some, otherwise there’s no point in being or trying to be a man. And, you had better be prepared to do some serious shit for and about them. I find the less convictions you have the better, that way you can utilize more discretion, and your decisive action makes an impression on people who smile and talk too much.

Step 5: Clint Eastwood has been trying to tell us for decades that “a man’s got to know his limitations”, and he’s god damn right. Plus, he lives by the rules so far illuminated. Knowing your limitations is not only knowing the extent of your capacities, whether physical, mental, or psychological, but also knowing what you are willing to stomach, and adjusting your bahaviour and expectations accordingly. None of which requires talking or smiling you’ll notice.

Step 6: Be amicable. There’s a big difference between being an asshole that smiles all the time, and being the kind of man that can make others smile simply by advent of a courteous and respectful deportment. Amicability also keeps you out of trouble.

Step 7: Cultivate a sense of humor about yourself. No man is an island anymore than he is Rambo or Mad Max. Men who take themselves too serious run the risk or treading all over steps 5 and 6, and can actually corrupt step 4. If you embarrass yourself in front of others and don’t laugh at yourself, you run the risk of being labeled a jackass.

Step 8: Forgive only those you can’t destroy, or at least injure in kind. This one is tricky because it seems to contradict steps 7 and 8. I assure you it is only an illusion, and one that weaker men will hide behind. If a man kills someone important to you, well, you need to do something about that, don’t you? Unless you can’t, whether because it exceeds your capacities, or goes against your convictions. This step is a bitch, and will require ample instances of steps 1, 2, and 3.

Step 9: Open doors for women.

Step 10: Drink whisky.

Step 11: If you hit a man in the face, you had better be prepared to meet his friends.

Step 12: No, you’re not a dad until the paternity test confirms it, so step 1 that shit because there are a lot of shady women out there, and doctors must live by oaths, even the female ones.

Step 13: If your memory sucks, never ever lie. Step 1 is indispensible, again.
I’d like to add that who and what you love do not dictate your manhood. Some fellah’s out there like to pass judgment on others because of this, and that’s fine, if you don’t mind being wrong. It is your actions that build up a reputation that everyone will rightly judge you by, and you must live with it.