How to shave.

Step 1: Shut the fuck up. Everyone already knows that shaving sucks, so your complaining about it only makes you look like a gutless bitch unwilling to lose a little blood. I recommend reading up on social contract theory if your wondering what Hugo Grotius and Thomas Hobbes were on about, because I’m pretty sure shaving was part of the package of concessions. For further reading go here>>> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_contract. <<<

Step2: Get out of bed, it’s easier.

So here’s a fork in the road. Some of us like to shave at a sink, and some of us like to shave in the shower. Hell, some of us like to shave with a god damn hunting knife, but I’m not quite masculine enough for that, yet. I like the shower, it hides my tears.

Step 3: Get in the shower.

Step 4: Up until this moment I have basically been opining at you, and you’ve likely begun to wonder if I’m not wasting your time, because lets face it, except for step 1, this is all pretty obvious stuff. Well, here’s where it gets real. While the water is running to get hot, take your razor, and smear purell hand sanitizer on the blades. Leave the gel on the steel while you wash your balls and other bits. Putting sanitizer on your shaving instrument will reduce razor burn because you’ve killed all the shit that would normally have gotten in through a cut and caused a war with your immune system (thus causing the red inflamations).

Step 5: Wash area meant to be shaved. This is to remove excess oils from your skin that can get in the way of your clean close shave.

Step 6: Use gel, not foam. Foam fucking sucks. Who the fuck uses foam? If you shave with a hunting knife you can use what ever you like, because who the fuck am I to argue with some brandishing a hunting knife? The rest of you pussies listen up, put on a layer of gel, let it sit a couple secs, then wash it off, and put on another coat.

Shaving:
Tip 1: Shave the hard parts first. Shave your adams apple first. Next, If you’re a lefty like me, then shave the left side first. The other way round if you’re a bitch ass righty. Save the easy part, the ones you can hit with nice easy strokes, for last, as it will leave you feeling like you effortlessly rocked a good shave.
Tip 2: Don’t get lazy. Even if you’re in a hurry, wash the blade after every stroke. This prevents loose hairs from fucking up your session, and necessitating more stroking (shut up).
Tip 3: I hope you brought a mirror with you...

Step 7: Wash area. Now that your done butchering your shit, let the water run on it for a while. This is the whole point of shaving in the shower, for me. If you cut yourself, water magically makes that shit better.

Step 8: Put another coat of shaving gel on and leave it for a while. This helps to condition your skin, and will help with cuts and nicks. It works a treat.

Step 9: Be very wary of your towel. How often do you wash that shit anyway? Well, guess what, it has more bacteria in and on and around it than Madonna’s vagina. Your face and throat are all diced up, so you need to minimize your run ins with dirty surfaces. Pat dry shaved areas.

Step 10: DO NOT SKIMP ON AN AFTER SHAVE BALM! I use a balm from Aveda for men that cost like $16, but I’ve had the same 100ml bottle since 2006, so it does last a while, and is totally worth it. Nivea makes a kick ass sauce too, which I actually recommend above the Aveda one. Now, this sounds like metrosexual shit, and who knows, maybe it is, but if you shave, and then have to wear a tie all fucking day, your shave makes a big god damn difference in how happy you’re going to be, which in turn effects a lot of other things and people.

Repeat step 1 after leaving me a comment.

You’re welcome.

Extra tip for all you military men and women. When your instructor tells you not to shave before getting tear gassed then you better fucking listen to him or her, because that shit is really fucking painful.