How to win a fist fight.

1. Shut the fuck up. People who talk a lot before they fight probably sense they’re going to lose, or don’t actually think fists will fly. Why not surprise them? Plus not talking might give you a more menacing appearance.
2. Don’t throw hooks. Punch straight and true. Throwing hooks will probably result in a broken hand, and a lot of embarrassment. Plus there’s nothing more obvious than a big old hook coming at your face. Occasionally I see really white trash looking guys with hands in casts, and it’s obvious to me what happened.
3. If someone pushes or shoves you, don’t push or shove back, fucking hit them because you might not get a chance to get the first punch in again.
4. Keep your mouth shut. Not a repeat of #1 as much as advice on keeping your teeth in your head. But, while you’re at it, shut the fuck up.
5. Cheat your fucking ass off. This isn’t some fucking Olympic event, this is you and someone else looking to cause some injuries. So if you’re on the ground and there’s some sand or dust or fucking whatever, grab a handful and throw that shit in his/her eyes. If there’s a board, or a crowbar, fuck it, why wouldn’t you pick that shit up and get busy winning a fight, huh? Just because they didn’t do it doesn’t make them nobler, it makes them less imaginative.
6. Headbutt them in the fucking nose if the fight hasn’t yet begun, but seems inevitable. Especially if they’re talking because they’re distracted by their own ego, and they might be saying shit you don’t want other people to hear.
7. Don’t be afraid to use display behaviour. Display behaviour is used by all kinds of animals as a violent demonstration of their capabilities to would-be opponents not yet convinced of their own.
8. Why not scream a lot? This shit is unsettling for some people, and could give you an advantage.
9. Move around. If you don’t dictate the perimeters of the fight, they will. This works well against multiple opponents too, by keeping one in front of the other they can’t gang up, as easily.
10. Try and shake their hand before the fight begins, so when they hold out their hand, you can get a punch in. They might see this coming, so if you’re kinda slow, maybe forget this tip.
11. If you have a gun then for god sakes pull that shit out and make sure everyone see’s it so that you don’t have to fight at all. Seriously, fighting is really dangerous, and brandishing a firearm is the pinnacle of display behaviour.
12. Try and get them to believe that their shoe is untied, or that their phone is ringing because while they’re busy checking, you can look around for some sand, or a crowbar, or maybe even a gun. If you can’t find one then just go ahead and punch them.
13. Attempt to involve other people in the fight too, but only if they’re willing to fight the other guy/girl. That is to say, don’t hit people that aren’t yet interested in hitting you.
14. If people are chanting “fight fight fight”, join in, it adds to your mystique.
15. If you happen to lose this fight, whatever you do, don’t try to hug or shake hands with the motherfucker who just humiliated your ass. I’ve seen this more times than I care to remember. This act, which may seem to be a form of good sportsmanship or misplaced magnanimity, is in fact a display of cowardice, and while it might not result in the person getting their ass re-kicked, it fucking should.
16. If however you win, do whatever the fuck you want. Piss on the guy, drink his beer, fuck his girlfriend (but only if she is willing, which of course she will be because you’ve just exposed her boyfriend/husband/whatever to be a loser whose genetic attributes aren’t worthy of reproduction), steal his car, get creative, because you’re a winner.
17. Even if you threw the first punch, say they threw the first punch, no matter what. If someone won’t fucking drop the question about who threw the first punch, then maybe its time to drop that person (remember #6?). I’m just saying, cover your bases.
18. If the other person pulls out a knife, and you don’t have one yourself to pull out, take off your jacket or shirt and wrap that shit around your forearm to protect yourself. Definitely don’t try to reason with them. The only murder I ever saw was between two drunken losers in front of a bar in broad fucking daylight, and one pulled out a knife. Not the most brilliant move ever. But guess what, allowing a harmless fistfight to escalate into mortal combat is pretty god damn silly.
19. Never ever ever fight over a female who won’t let you sleep with her afterwards, no matter the outcome of the fight. I mean, why fucking bother? Unless of course it’s your mom, and something inappropriate has been said or done. This means you need to be REAL honest with yourself about your chances.
20. Win. It’s definitely better to win a fistfight, so always fight to win, and never fight simply to not lose. Even if victory is impossible, it is better to get your ass kicked while fighting back than to just get your ass kicked. If you started a fight with someone you definitely can’t beat, AND you don’t have a gun or some kind of weapon, then you deserve to lose, a lot. And don’t forget #15.
21. Don’t let that shit go. If someone has offended you in some way, then you need to handle that shit, and you need to handle it decisively (remember step #3 from “How to be a man”!)

Now get out there and make some people’s night a lot more interesting, you winner.